1-800-DREAMBOAT is a monthly advice column for paid subscribers of the Boys Love Poetry newsletter. You are always welcome to leave comments, submit anonymous questions, and share screenshots on social media xx
Hi lovers. This week, we are getting back on the 1-800 DREAMBOAT saddle after my whirlwind engagement a few weeks ago. For those who are new here, I answer anonymous questions in an advice column every month. It’s free to ask questions (do it) and all it costs is the price of one oat milk latte a month to read the answers. I’m currently accepting new questions and eager to read your problematic desires, darkest, secrets, and polyamorous drama.
This week’s column comes in hot with a poignant question about what tf to do when straight people are out here killing our vibe by being super fucking straight. Heterosexuality has a death grip on this world, and it’s sucking the gay life out of us. Even though it’s 2024, it seems that some people are still obsessed with being straight and assuming that everyone else is straight in the process. This question is about how you deal with the complex emotional baggage of being in a “straight passing” relationship.
A few winters ago, I was in a bad way in London and my best bruv Marlo suggested that we get out of the city and go to the sea on a little holiday together. We got a room in a carriage house in a seaside town with a hot tub we could jump in when the night turned wet and cold. I rented a car, and we took our time driving down to the coast, first to Portsmouth to visit Samo in his studio in Southsea and get my T4T tattoo before chasing the sinking sun east across the coast to Hastings. It was a perfect vacation—laying shirtless on Samo’s cold tattoo table in my acid-wash sweatpants, surrounded by my trans boy hunnies, getting our credo inked on my chest. Marlo and I cracked jokes and gossiped on the drive, laughing until I swerved into the right lane, listening to only the good Kanye songs, the old ones.
We spent hours soaking in the garage sauna, slept hard, woke up early, grabbed brekkie at a café, and adventured down to the beach under the cold morning sun. We scrambled down rugged paths to reach the sea with our beanies on and balanced on big rocks while the freezing waves bit our ankles. Marlo brought their silver point-and-shoot camera fully loaded with a fresh roll of black-and-white 35 mm film to document everything. We were so in our bodies, buzzing from the coffee, just two boys in nature. When I got home, still high off the time away, my phone vibrated on the nightstand. Notification from Airbnb: a new review from Marianne and Steve. “Nice young couple. Pleasant to talk to.”
My jaw could have broken the floor with how hard it dropped. I’d love to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was clocking us as a faggy T4T couple who lovingly called each other ‘bro,’ but let’s be honest, Marianne wasn’t that up to speed. It dawned on me that she had likely assumed that Marlo was my girlfriend, that I was their boyfriend, and that we were a nice, young heterosexual couple on holiday for the weekend. I can’t tell you how much I am cringing as I type those words. But if there is one thing that I’ve learned during my time on this planet, it’s that people will do anything to convince themselves that you are a straight, cisgender person.
Sometimes when I have to piss on a road trip, I pull over to the side of the road and just squat while the semi trucks pass me by. I figure it’s more likely that the truckers will think I’m a cis dude who pulled over to take a shameless, massive shit on the side of the road and honk in solidarity than even consider for a second that trans men might exist. The mental gymnastics of the cis-hetero-patriarchy are Olympic-level insane. Like, 10s across the board.
So how do we survive the straight-cis-ification of ourselves and everyone we love? I’ve got some answers for you. Let’s get into it.
👫 HOW DO I COPE WITH EVERYONE ASSUMING MY QUEER RELATIONSHIP IS STRAIGHT?
I’m not a therapist or a mental health professional. I am an artist, writer, and trans masculine sage with a penchant for supporting others to live the life they dream about. I try to answer these questions with a critical eye, from my heart of hearts, with a fierce passion for community, accountability, and love. Take what you like, leave the rest, and feel free to talk back in the comments.
💌 Dear Dreamboat,
I'm a trans masc who's 6 years into physical transition and pretty cis passing (this is weird for different reasons). I've been dating mostly men and masc presenting people for quite a while but have just started seeing someone who's more femme and despite both of us being trans and queer we're mostly read as a cis het couple in public. As a genderqueer person who's now (mostly accidentally) bloke passing being read as queer has been an important part of balancing my identity. As much as I wish I didn't care what people think how do I manage the part of me that's uncomfortable with being seen as cis het with my new boo?
Signed,
No less of a fag in North London
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